GENDER BASED VIOLENCE? THIS IS WHY SOME WOMEN ARE BEATEN.

Last Sunday I was watching a Division 2 Football Association of Zambia match. The game was tough and the home team was down by one goal to zero. The game was played in an open ground which meant that anyone can watch without paying. There was no crowd control and this proved to be a problem for the match officials who were being shouted at from both sides for what the spectators thought were wrong decisions.

As I was standing there watching the game, a group of six young ladies in their late teens or early twenties came and stood near where I was and immediately they started hurling bad words towards the opposing team. I remember seeing these same girls at the last match that I watched at the same venue last month. One of them,was more vocal than the others.

"Goalkeeper" she shouted. "How come you're so thin? Do you even eat?"

Her friends burst out in laughter.

This ground does not have a perimeter fence so the people watching the game stood a metre away from where the linesman was. The same girl who spoke earlier went and stood on the white line and was almost bumped into by the linesman as he ran following the direction of the ball.

The linesman had to speak to her. "My sister, would you mind moving back because I can hurt you," he said.

She answered back sarcastically. "Just step on me and see what happens. You're just making silly decisions."

One of the girls tried to reason with her. "This is a good man cos if he wanted to, he'd have just stepped on you and broke your leg but he had to avoid you and ask you politely to move away."

The game reached half time and the same girl now went near the bench of the visiting team and started teasing them as some players drank bottled mineral water.

"This is a poor team, you can't even afford to buy juice for the players?" she said.

Again, the same friend tried to reason with her. "They will beat you," she told her while trying to pull her away.

"Who can beat me? They can't beat me. I am a crazy person and I don't fear anyone."

Frankly, I was now getting irritated by her. She was getting on my nerves. If I stayed near her for another 10 minutes, I may just be forced to talk back at her so I did what was best for me and moved to another spot very far away from her. I could not hear what she was saying now but I could see that she was still talking and her friends were enjoying the show. Like me, a number of people moved away from that spot. She was just too annoying to ignore.

There was an appeal for a penalty from the home team which the referee brushed aside. For some reason, one of the defenders from the visiting team was sent off and I missed the incident which caused this because I was watching the game while at the same watching the drama by "Miss Crazy" on the touchline.

The visiting team was now losing it. Their patience with this girl was waning now that one of their players was sent off in suspicious circumstances. Then came the crunch, a penalty was awarded to the home team. They scored and the game was now level. The visiting team protested and the game was stopped briefly. "Miss Crazy" might have said something because one of the men from the bench of the visiting team stood up and approached the her angrily. She ran away and he went back and sat down on the bench.

"Thank goodness this girl has been chased." I thought to my self. But as I watched her, I saw her pick up two large stones and she approached the visiting team's bench. Some boys saw her and tried to warn the players but it was too late. She hurled one of the stones and hit one official in the back and started running away. A number of players from the bench chased her and within seconds she was caught.

One person scooped a handful of sand and threw it in her face. Then he started punching her in the face. Three or four men joined in and they kicked her in the ribs, kicked her legs, pulled her hair, and even pulled off one earring, ripping her ear. Blood started gushing out of her nose and mouth and she even peed in her pants. The young boys and girls seemed to like this and they cheered on.

No one intervened or tried to rescue her. She had obviously irritated a lot of people by her behavior and they thought she deserved what she was getting. Then a tall man wearing a grey weather coat came to her rescue and walked her out of the football pitch area onto the road. This pitch is situated just near the market place and in the middle of a residential area. In a short time a large crowd of young boys and girls gathered and started teasing and booing her.

This girl brought this beating on herself. She had no one to blame. She was well dressed, looking fresh and her hair was well done but there was definitely something wrong with her character. Either she was high on something or she was just a stupid delinquent. From the moment she came to that game, it was obvious that her intention was to cause trouble. She may have been doing this for a long time but this time fate was not on her side. I am sure wherever she went and people asked what happened and they were told that she was beaten by four men, their reaction must have been that of shock.

"Four men? Against one helpless young lady?"

If I had not witnessed the whole episode, I would have been incensed too if someone told me that four or five men had done this to her. Many times when people see a woman beaten by a man, they always conclude that he is a bad man. This young lady was insulting and provoking men for almost an hour and she was completely ignored. Everyone knows how volatile high density areas are when it comes to violence. A fight can break up at any time and you always have to watch what you say and at who you say it. If this was a man behaving like this, he would have been dealt with earlier than it took for her to be beaten but this young lady was tolerated because everyone knew that she was just probably drunk or high on weed and mostly because she was a female. Who would want to be seen fighting a woman over a game of football?

Some men are just violent and they beat women for no reason at all. These men deserve to be condemned but "Miss Crazy" just showed me why some women are beaten.



Image courtesy of Ambro freedigitalphotos.net 

AGAINST THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS

It is 18:42 hours and I am sitting at the bar drinking my Castle lager while watching a repeated soccer match between Spain and Norway. Sitting next to me is a man drinking Sprite from a can. Like me, this man is a regular in this bar and I have never seen him drinking sprite before. 

A man walks in and goes straight to the counter and buys a beer for himself.  As he moves away from the counter, he sees the man drinking Sprite and comes over to greet him.

“How are you? Feeling better now?” he asks.

“I am much better now, “replied the other man.    

“But why are you here? If you keep coming to the Pub you’ll forget about what the doctor told you and start drinking before you’re fully recovered.”

The Sprite man laughed and said. “You’re right.  Almost did that on Saturday when Zambia beat Lesotho by four goals to nil. Everyone was celebrating and there was so much fun that I almost bought some beer so that I celebrate with the others.”

“You see?” his friend said. “That’s why if the doctor tells you to stay away from alcohol for some time, you must also avoid going to the pub.  If you keep coming to the pub you will cheat yourself that you’re now okay and start drinking instead of waiting for the doctor to tell you that now you can drink beer.”

The Sprite man replied, “But some of us are not used with staying at home. It is so boring.”

Wait a minute, I said to myself. Did he just say home was boring? For someone who lived alone that would make sense but this man looked like a family man. He must have a wife and children at home. How can home be boring when you have a family? Even if he was a bachelor, a widower or a divorcee living on his own, I can’t imagine how your own home can be so boring that you spend time in a pub even when you’re not drinking beer.

There was a time when I was living alone and the last thing I wanted was to be bored. I made sure that I had all the entertainment that I needed. I collected enough movies, music, comic books, magazines, including games just to keep me busy when I was alone. 

Anyway, my intention of writing this article was not because of boring homes. That could be a topic for another day. I want to talk about why some people take doctors’ orders lightly. This man was ordered by the doctor to stay away from alcohol for a ailment which I do not know. When a doctor tells a patient to stay away from alcohol, it simply means he is trying to preserve your health.

Alcohol can be harmful to your health when taken in large quantities and frequently.  Alcohol is the world’s third largest risk factor for diseases burden. It has causes about 2.5 million deaths each year. Although the degree of risk varies with age, sex and other biological characteristics of the person drinking it, the level of exposure and context in which the drinking takes place also plays a role. The more you are exposed to it, the higher the risk.

Even though alcohol is considered culturally and socially acceptable in certain situations, abuse can lead to addiction with serious health consequences and this is where the doctor may come in. If one is addicted to alcohol, that person cannot control the drinking. These are the people who find it hard to stay away from beer even under strict orders from a doctor.

Like the man in this story, this person may try to stay away but they still fell like something is missing so they will still be frequent visitors to the pub. I have seen people in a pub drinking a soft drink and when you ask them why they are not drinking beer, they will tell you that they are resting. What they actually mean is “I am not feeling too well.”

There are many reasons why a doctor may tell you to stay away from alcohol but all of it is to preserve your health.  If you value your life, then it is important that you follow those instructions strictly. Avoid going to the pub when you have been told to stay away from beer. Buy movies to watch at home and do things that will not remind you of beer.

It is not only people who drink that go against doctor’s orders. In 2008, Tiger Woods was reported to have ignored his doctor against playing golf after a knee injury. This was even after the doctor had warned that it could worsen the injury. But since he could walk, he played despite wincing throughout the tournament. He later announced that he will not play again for the rest of the year as he had to undergo surgery on a torn ligament.

"Now, it is clear that the right thing to do is to listen to my doctors, follow through with surgery and focus my attention on rehabilitating my knee." he said.

Beyonce is also reported to have taken to the state at Sportpaleis Stadium in Antwerp against her doctors' wishes. 

"I just have to say, I feel so good to be on this stage," she told the audience. "I have the best fans in the world ... Now, my doctors told me not to perform tonight, but there was no way in the world. I just have to say that you all have given me so much inspiration. And i just want to thank you guys."

Going against the doctor's advice frustrates the doctors because what is the point of helping someone to get better if he refuses to do the things that he is required to do? 

The man at the beginning of this article may have been following the doctor's advice of not drinking alcohol but he was taking an unnecessary risk by going to the pub. One may feel strong and conclude that they are okay and should just do what the doctor told them not to do but after some time, the ailment they had may just be worse. 

MONSTER-IN-LAW VERSUS DEMON-IN-LAW

While many women have a very good relationship with their mothers-in-law, most of them have a strained relationship and it is not rare to hear a woman complain "I have a terrible relationship with my mother-in-law ". It boggles the mind what cause these conflicts.

I remember when I was an Administrator for a discussion forum on Facebook, one lady wrote to me praising her daughter-in-law. This is what she wrote;

"I am a 64 year old woman based in Chimwemwe township in Kitwe. Join me in thanking my late son’s wife who bought me a house even when I did not expect it.

My son died in 1996 and he was working for the military. Before my son died, he and his wife promised to buy me a house but unfortunately the cold hand of death took my son before the house was bought. My son and his wife did not have a child.

It was surprising when after a year my daughter in-law bought a house for me and told me that they were preparing to buy me a house with my husband before he died. My daughter-in-law still continued keeping my daughter when she was at school in Lusaka even after she re-married.

I always thank God for this young lady, she is such a good woman, my prayer has always been that she lives long on earth. She is such a wonderful woman, we had a wonderful time together, we never had any disagreements or misunderstandings."

When I posted this on the forum, this young lady's good deeds surprised a lot of people because it was rare to find that type of relationship between a mother in-law and daughter in-law. 

One female member wrote, "She did that because you are a good woman. May she continue to be a blessing in your life and the lives of other people"

Another one wrote, "This is so touching. It is because you are a wonderful person and a blessing, that is why.  The blessings you have given her will live to testify. Otherwise, very few can do such a thing"

"May the good Lord bless her and you for being a wonderful mother in-law. You surely bought her heart be being nice to her," wrote another member.

The following comment made me think. "Mama, what is the secret of getting along very well with a daughter in-law? Would you mind sharing with us? I have learnt something from this. Your testimony has uplifted me. This reminds me of the story of Ruth and Naomi from the bible."

Is it really a well kept secret for a mother in-law and daughter in-law to have a wonderful relationship? 

I have read many in-law jokes written by people from the western culture, America and England to be specific, and most of them seem seem to portray that their is always a strained relationship between the man and his mother in-law. I don't know about that but in Zambia, this bad relationship between in-laws is predominant between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law than it is between mothers-in-law and sons-in-law or fathers-in-law and sons-in-law. It is also very rare or almost non existent to find a father-in-law at logger heads with his daughter-in-law.

Many sons-in-law can joke and even share a beer with the father-in-law. Our custom demands that you must have deep respect for your in-laws to the extent that you both have to kneel down when talking to each other. However, you will find that this type of practice is disregarded if the friendship between the two is very good. 

But why do women seem to be the ones who find it difficult to get along with their mothers-in-law? Is there really a secret to this? 

The testimony above from the woman in Kitwe clearly shows that it is not impossible for the two in-laws to get along and have a great friendship and I have no doubt in my mind that this is achievable if the two people just learn to ignore each other's shortcomings. Women are very difficult to understand. They are highly emotional beings and can be highly offended even over a small issue. A woman can hate another woman simply because she is wearing a similar outfit like the one she is wearing. A woman can also dislike another woman just because she is attracting a lot of male attention. 

In the feud between two female in-laws, attention may be a major contributing factor. When a man is single, he may have a lot of time to spend talking, visiting or even buying gifts for his mother. All that changes when he marries. He now has a new person to pay most of his attention to. This does not mean that he has now completely forgotten about his mother or both his parents, but his attention is now divided and it is normal that most of it will be for the person that is now the closest, which is the wife and later that may include the children. 

In my own view, I think that most of the time the fighting is started by the mother in-law and it takes an extraordinary daughter in-law to absorb everything that is dished out at her without hating her. If you check the responses in the letter that I refereed to in the beginning of this article, you will notice that many comments, when praising this woman who bought a house for her mother-in-law, they are also praising her for being such a good mother in-law even if she did not mention that she was good to her daughter in-law. This simply suggest that it is believed that daughters-in-law behave  badly because of their mother-in-laws attitude towards them. Of course this may not be the case but many people seem to think it is like that.  

What every young woman should know is that she will one day be a mother-in-law to someone. Will she be treating her daughter-in-law differently from what she her self was treated by her mother-in-law? In many cases, the issues that lead to such feuds are flimsy. Some mothers when they visit their son's house, they would like to find it exactly the same way as their own house. They want their son to live in the same environment that he grew in. If she finds that something is not to her liking, the first impression is that her son is not being well looked after. 

The mother-in-law thinks she still owns and controls her son while the daughter-in-laws thinks she has no right over him anymore cos he now belongs to her. This develops into a power struggle. This tug-of-war between a mother and daughter in-law is an age old phenomenon. In 1954, one study revealed that only one in four women even liked her mother-in-law.  

These mother-in-law versus daughter-in-law feuds can become fatal. They are not just emotional feeling bottled up inside two people's hearts but they have the potential of being explosive. 

Recently, it was reported that a woman committed suicide in Zimbabwe by jumping off a moving vehicle when she learnt of her mother-in-law's unexpected visit from South Africa. The woman was in the company of her husband on their way to receive the mother-in-law. Apparently, the woman was not very happy because she was caught unaware by her mother-in-law's visit. She felt she was always the last one to know about family issues. 

She felt less important and that her husband did not think highly of her of her as he thought about his mother and that could be the reason she was not told about her visit until the last minute when the mother-in-law was already at the station. 

In 2011, a woman was arrested in Zambia for murdering her 70 year old mother-in-law. The mother-in-law had gone to the son's house to settle a dispute which had erupted between him and the wife. The daughter-in-law became emotional and started beating her mother-in-law who fell on the ground and died. 

Many men have been silent observers of these feuds because they are caught up in the middle and do not want to be see siding with anyone. If you speak up for your wife, you will mostly like make things worse. Your mother will no doubt claim that she was right, you don't care more about her her than you care for your wife. If you seem like you're taking your mother's side, it will be the same consequences, your wife will feel you have no regard for her. 

If the reason that these two in-laws are at each other most of the time is because they are fighting for possession, why is it that many mothers-in-law do not seem to have a problem with their sons-in-law, trying to fight possession of their daughter? 

"Women's mutual understanding comes from the fact that they identify themselves with each other; but for the same reason each is against the others." Simone de Beauvoir.

Image courtesy of Ambro, freedigitalphotos.net