While many women
have a very good relationship with their mothers-in-law, most of them have a
strained relationship and it
is not rare to hear a woman complain "I
have a terrible relationship with my mother-in-law ". It boggles the mind
what cause these conflicts.
"I am a 64
year old woman based in Chimwemwe township in Kitwe. Join me in thanking
my late son’s wife who bought me a house even when I did not expect it.
My son died in 1996 and he was working for the military. Before my son died, he and his wife promised to buy me a house but unfortunately the cold hand of death took my son before the house was bought. My son and his wife did not have a child.
My son died in 1996 and he was working for the military. Before my son died, he and his wife promised to buy me a house but unfortunately the cold hand of death took my son before the house was bought. My son and his wife did not have a child.
It was surprising when after a year my daughter in-law bought a house for me and told me that they were preparing to buy me a house with my husband before he died. My daughter-in-law still continued keeping my daughter when she was at school in Lusaka even after she re-married.
I always thank God for this young lady, she is such a good woman, my prayer has always been that she lives long on earth. She is such a wonderful woman, we had a wonderful time together, we never had any disagreements or misunderstandings."
When I posted this on the forum, this young
lady's good deeds surprised a lot of people because it was rare to find that
type of relationship between a mother in-law and daughter in-law.
One female member wrote, "She did that
because you are a good woman. May she continue to be a blessing in your life
and the lives of other people"
Another one wrote, "This is so touching. It
is because you are a wonderful person and a blessing, that is why. The
blessings you have given her will live to testify. Otherwise, very few can do
such a thing"
"May the good Lord bless her and you for
being a wonderful mother in-law. You surely bought her heart be being nice to
her," wrote another member.
The following comment made me
think. "Mama, what is the secret of getting along very well with a
daughter in-law? Would you mind sharing with us? I have learnt something from
this. Your testimony has uplifted me. This reminds me of the story of Ruth and Naomi from the
bible."
Is it really a well kept secret for a mother
in-law and daughter in-law to have a wonderful relationship?
I have read many in-law
jokes written by people from the western culture, America and England
to be specific, and most of them seem seem to portray that their is always a
strained relationship between the man and his mother in-law. I
don't know about that but in Zambia, this bad relationship between
in-laws is predominant between mothers-in-law
and daughters-in-law than it is between mothers-in-law and sons-in-law or fathers-in-law and sons-in-law. It is also very rare or almost non
existent to find a father-in-law at logger heads with his daughter-in-law.
Many sons-in-law can joke and even share a beer
with the father-in-law. Our custom demands that you must have deep respect for
your in-laws to the extent that you both have to kneel down when talking to
each other. However, you will find that this type of practice is
disregarded if the friendship between the two is very good.
But why do women seem to be the ones who find it
difficult to get along with their mothers-in-law? Is there really a secret to
this?
The testimony above from the woman in Kitwe
clearly shows that it is not impossible for the two in-laws to get along and
have a great friendship and I have no doubt in my mind that this is achievable
if the two people just learn to ignore each other's shortcomings. Women are
very difficult to understand. They are highly emotional beings and can be
highly offended even over a small issue. A woman can hate another woman simply
because she is wearing a similar outfit like the one she is wearing. A woman can
also dislike another woman just because she is attracting a lot of male
attention.
In the feud between two female in-laws, attention
may be a major contributing factor. When a man is single, he may have a lot of
time to spend talking, visiting or even buying gifts for his mother. All that
changes when he marries. He now has a new person to pay most of his attention
to. This does not mean that he has now completely forgotten about his mother or
both his parents, but his attention is now divided and it is normal that most
of it will be for the person that is now the closest, which is the wife and
later that may include the children.
In my own view, I think that most of the time the
fighting is started by the mother in-law and it takes an extraordinary daughter
in-law to absorb everything that is dished out at her without hating
her. If you check the responses in the letter that I refereed to in the beginning of this article, you will notice that many comments, when praising this woman who bought a
house for her mother-in-law, they are also praising her for being such a good mother
in-law even if she did not mention that she was good to her daughter in-law.
This simply suggest that it is believed that daughters-in-law behave badly because of their mother-in-laws attitude towards them. Of course this may not be the case but many people seem to think it is like that.
What every young woman should know is that she will one day be a
mother-in-law to someone. Will she be treating her daughter-in-law differently from what she her self was treated by her mother-in-law? In many cases, the issues that lead to such feuds are flimsy.
Some mothers when they visit their son's house, they would like to find it exactly
the same way as their own house. They want their son to live in the same
environment that he grew in. If she finds that something is not to her
liking, the first impression is that her son is not being well looked
after.
The mother-in-law thinks she still owns and controls her son
while the daughter-in-laws thinks she has no right over him anymore cos he now belongs to her. This develops into a power struggle. This tug-of-war between a mother and daughter in-law is an age old phenomenon. In 1954, one study revealed that only one in four women even liked her mother-in-law.
These mother-in-law versus daughter-in-law feuds can become fatal. They are not just emotional feeling bottled up inside two people's hearts but they have the potential of being explosive.
Recently, it was reported that a woman committed suicide in Zimbabwe by jumping off a moving vehicle when she learnt of her mother-in-law's unexpected visit from South Africa. The woman was in the company of her husband on their way to receive the mother-in-law. Apparently, the woman was not very happy because she was caught unaware by her mother-in-law's visit. She felt she was always the last one to know about family issues.
She felt less important and that her husband did not think highly of her of her as he thought about his mother and that could be the reason she was not told about her visit until the last minute when the mother-in-law was already at the station.
In 2011, a woman was arrested in Zambia for murdering her 70 year old mother-in-law. The mother-in-law had gone to the son's house to settle a dispute which had erupted between him and the wife. The daughter-in-law became emotional and started beating her mother-in-law who fell on the ground and died.
Many men have been silent observers of these feuds because they are caught up in the middle and do not want to be see siding with anyone. If you speak up for your wife, you will mostly like make things worse. Your mother will no doubt claim that she was right, you don't care more about her her than you care for your wife. If you seem like you're taking your mother's side, it will be the same consequences, your wife will feel you have no regard for her.
If the reason that these two in-laws are at each other most of the time is because they are fighting for possession, why is it that many mothers-in-law do not seem to have a problem with their sons-in-law, trying to fight possession of their daughter?
"Women's mutual understanding comes from the fact that they identify themselves with each other; but for the same reason each is against the others." Simone de Beauvoir.
Image courtesy of Ambro, freedigitalphotos.net
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