THE NEIGHBORHOOD DRUNKARDS

Some of my childhood memories from growing up in one of the townships on the Copperbelt Province are about how differently people behave when they are drank. I am sure most of the people who grew up in a township in the 80s and 90s will relate to some of the characters in this article. 

Almost every community had what I will call a "neighborhood drunkard". These persons were known for their bizarre or unique behavior when they were drank.  In most cases they were a friend's dad. In my street, we had almost all the types of neighborhood drunkards that you could think of.

The first character and probably the most common was nicknamed "Umu Wailer" (The Wailer) and was probably named after Bob Marley's singing group because he would sing in a very loud voice every time he was coming home from a drinking spree and he did not care what time it was. It could be at mid day, in the afternoon, evening or even after midnight. The only thing that was known to silence this character was the rain. Another amazing thing about him was that even the dogs stopped barking when he was approaching the hood. His choice of music was usually one of the latest hits on the market sang in his own version.  

Then there was this other character who would always get lost after drinking some beer. This was the mysterious one because he would come all the way from the bar or tavern on his own without asking for directions but as soon as he reached the street in which his house was situated, his mind just shut off.  He would bypass his house several times without identifying it. It was only after several minutes of searching for his house in vain that he would finally gather some courage and ask one of the kids playing in the streets "Pa Ng'anda pali ba Chisulo nipesa?' (Where is Mr. Chisulo's house?) as if no one knew that he was the Mr. Chisulo himself. 

The other neighborhood drunkard was called "Kadansa"or "The Dancer". This was every kids favorite neighborhood drunkard. He was a true entertainer. He rarely came home late. He timed his arrival just when all the kids had already eaten their supper and had gathered under the street lights to sing and dance. "The Dancer" always thought none of the kids could dance better than him. He would pick on one kid and scold him or her for being a bad dancer and then challenge them to a dance. The neighborhood drunkard always thought he had won the challenge because he always got the loudest cheering. That is what kept him coming back for more challenges every evening.

The fourth neighborhood drunkard was nicknamed"Ba Passenger" (The Passenger). This one was a little bit boring because he usually came home from a drinking spree in a wheelbarrow being pushed by some good Samaritans and was most  of the time fast asleep. The only entertainment we got from this character was when the wife gave him a slap in the face to awaken him from his slumber. Sometimes I thought he just pretended to be asleep and unable to walk on his own so that he could have a relaxed ride home. However, the wheelbarrow pusher always demanded to be paid for his kindness and it was the wife who paid the fee. 

Then there was "The Sprinkler". He was called "The Sprinkler" because he always came home with the front of his trousers wet or with the zipper wide open. The stories that went around were that each time the sprinkler went into the toilet to pee, he unzipped his pants and held the necktie in his fist, directed it in the urinal and started peeing. The Sprinkler had a very bad sense of feeling and was slow in reacting. By the time he realized that he was holding his tie instead of the you know what, his pants were already soaked. What amazed me most was why he did could not wait until it was dark before coming home to avoid embarrassment.

The last and most hated neighborhood drunkard was "The Broadcaster". The Broadcaster always had a bone to chew with one of the neighbors. This character lived alone, with no wife and no kids. He would wait for everyone to fall asleep and then he would crawl outside the house and start hurling insults to the witches who were disturbing his sleep at night. On some days he would hurl insults to the person who was stealing vegetables from his garden (even though he did not have a garden). The Broadcaster would even pick on insulting people who were "jealousy" because he ate chicken and meat almost everyday.

One day on Christmas Eve we decided we had enough of the Broadcaster and that it was time to teach him a lesson he shall never forget. As expected, he came out of the house around 21:00 hrs and started boasting about how his Christmas was going to be the best in the hood because he had just been given a hefty bonus at work. We had prepared for this moment earlier in the day by buying a lot of fireworks. We selected the biggest ones, the ones that go up in the sky when you light them. But instead of aiming them upward in the sky, we aimed them directly at the Broadcaster and lit them.

WHIIZZZZ! KABLOOM! KABLOOM! KABLOOM! The fireworks exploded right where he was. He fell down to the ground, tried to get up but slipped and fell down again. Then he quickly crawled to the door and entered the house. We thought we had finally taught the "Broadcaster" a lesson. We slapped each other on the back and went to sleep.

An hour later, I heard someone shouting at a very high voice. It was the Broadcaster. He had come out of the house and was broadcasting his insults again. This time his insults were directed at the gunmen who nearly assassinated him a while ago by firing their guns at him because they were jealousy of his good lifestyle. He also bragged about how the neighbors did not know that he was a former soldier trained to survive under gunfire. 

I just rolled over and went to sleep. 


Image by Naypong, freedigitalphotos.net