WHAT IS SOCIAL NETWORKING DOING TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

One lady was complaining that ever since the husband was introduced to Facebook, he has stopped paying much attention to her in the evening because he spends most of the time updating his status and reading other people’s status updates posted during the day.

Does that sound familiar? Social networking can be an addictive thing and you get to meet a  lot of different people online. I have heard many times people complaining about how social networking is stealing valuable time from work places because many people are logged on all day, multitasking between work and social chatting with friends. Facebook announced that their most recent user total has gone up to 1.11 billion people.

With such a large number of people available to communicate with, you simply are a click away to meet many different types of people and characters from around the world. People who are single may see this as an adventure ground or a hunting ground for mates and those who are married may be tempted to "try" a little flirting. If not handled carefully, this may lead to more serious consequences where marital relationships are concerned.

One Clinical Psychologist and marriage counselor admitted that Facebook cannot be ruled out as a contributor to relationship troubles. "We're coming across it more and more. One spouse connects online with someone they knew from school. The person is emotionally available and they start communicating through Facebook."

However, a spokesperson for Facebook said: "It's ridiculous to suggest that Facebook leads to divorce. Whether you're breaking up or just getting together, Facebook is just a way to communicate, like letters, phone calls and emails. Facebook doesn't cause divorces, people do." This may sound like another version of the popular quote "Guns don't kill people. People kill people" from the movie Romeo Must Die but I agree with the statement.

Facebook or any other social network is just a platform which anyone can use to his own liking. If you're not a flirt, it is not easy to start flirting with dozens of people just because you're logged on. Some people do not even take the flirting on social networks seriously but just consider it a time killer. Others take it very seriously and are optimistic that it is the only place that they can find a love of their life. Facebook has not only been involved in breaking up marriages but has actually made some people find love and  marriage.

In my view, I can compare logging onto the social network to leaving your house and stepping out into the street. On the street, you will find many types of people. You will find cops, hawkers, hookers, pimps, petty thieves, honest folk, street performers, people looking for business and so on. It is up to you to choose who you want to interact with depending on what was your reason for going out on the street in the first place.

But should couples who are in a relationship, especially in marriage, regulate their time or presence on social networks?

One of the most contentious issues between couples who are on Facebook and other social networks is the sharing of passwords. Many people are not comfortable with doing this for various reasons. Some say sharing a password with your spouse is an intervention of privacy while others say there is no privacy between couples.

I like the following advice to couples from Patrick Madrid.com's article on the issue of passwords.

"You need to “password-protect” your marriage. No joke. This means that your husband or wife should be able to log onto your Facebook account at a moment’s notice, any time of the day or night, especially when you are not there. Aside from, perhaps, planning a surprise party for your husband, if you are keeping anything “secret” from him in terms of your online interactions with other men, you are heading down a slippery slope.  How to avoid it? Simple: He should know your password and, of course, if he has a Facebook account, you should know his."

"This rule isn't intended to foster “snooping” or paranoia, but it will help you ensure transparency and honesty with your husband or wife when it comes to your dealings with others online. Guys, knowing that your wife can at any time read anything you write on your Facebook page will have a very clarifying effect on what you write. In other words, abiding by this rule will help you avoid situations in which you might be tempted to say something you wouldn't want your wife to see. One solution is to simply share one Facebook page between the two of you. Doing this can help fire-proof your marriage against an unscrupulous old flame."

The other golden rule for married couples is to avoid flirting on Facebook. Not even a little bit. Most women do not care how long you take on Facebook but are just worried about what you are doing. If allowing her access to your account or showing her some of the updates that you're reading may make her feel secure, grant her access, that is if you really have nothing to hide.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles freedigitalphotos.net

BUFI

"Bufi" is a Bemba word that has been on many people's lips in the past week. This is the title of a song released by two Zambian musicians, Pilato and Petersen. The word "bufi" means it's a lie. The song talks about lies that politicians tell people during election campaigns and how they fail to fulfill these promises.

If there is anything that is more complex, it is lying and that is because to keep that lie from being exposed, you must either lie again or make someone lie. A lie is a false statement presented as being true, something meant to deceive or give a wrong impression. It can also be false information given with the intent of deceiving. All of us have lied at one time and we lie for various reasons.

No one likes to be called a liar but why do we lie? Maybe it is because lying is associated with ill intent that is why people do not want to be called liars but why do we tell lies and is it really necessary to lie? Some people lie to save themselves, some people lie to implicate other people, some people lie simply because they like lying and some lie because they want to use you for their personal gain. 

"The world is not fair, and often fools, cowards, liars and the selfish hide in high places" wrote Bryant H. Mcgill. 

One of the most common places where people tell lies is at the office or workplace. The scenario that is most likely to cause someone to lie at work is reporting for work late. It causes a lot of people to tell all types of lies and frankly, most of the time the boss knows you're lying.

"I was held up in traffic."

"My child was not feeling too well."

"I was stopped by a traffic cop for 30 minutes because I did not have my driving licence."

 "I fainted on the subway" 

However, there are people who are very good at telling lies that even the boss can be duped into believing it is the truth. Lying about why you're late may not be considered harmful if it does not grow into a habit and if the lies are not preposterous. 

What is ridiculous  is when a friend asks you what you think about the clothes she is wearing. You know that they look awful but instead of telling her the truth you tell her that she looks fantastic. This is why the human mind is a mystery. What would be wrong if you told her the truth? Imagine how that person will feel if she realises later that people are laughing at her dressing and she is already at the Party where she can not change her clothes.

I know that there are people who hate being told the the truth. For example if you told someone that she has done her hair badly when she herself is convinced that she looks great, that person will not like it. She may even say "Leave me alone". Maybe this is why we lie when we are asked for an honest opinion. Sometimes it takes a lot of prodding from the person asking for our opinion before we could tell them the truth because we are not sure if our honest opinion will hurt their feelings.

"Are you sure this looks great on me?"

"Yes. It looks great."

"Really?"

"I am telling you.  It is just fine."

"I think it makes me look fatter."

"Okay, honestly it makes you look not only fatter but shorter too."

The most irritating liar is the one that brags or boasts about what they do not own or who they are not. Going out in public telling people that you have this and that when you have nothing is utter foolishness. You may never know that if you had told the truth, someone may have done something to help you out of your desperate situation. Many people have let good opportunities pass them by because they pretended that they did not need anybody's favours. 

Many women have fallen prey to this type of liar because he pretended that he works at a big firm and earns a lot of money. The only time he sees her is when he has money to use, taking her to expensive places and in the end finding himself in debt. When he is broke, he will pretend that he is out of town. Why do they make their life so difficult? 

A friend of mine Tina Banda from Real Life Zambia says, "I dislike people who lie even on little things. Lying does not help anyone become a better person. It only shows how foolish someone is, especially if you are caught and you can't back up your lies anymore" 

Sometimes people tell lies without saying a word but through actions. Owning a posh car is a sure way of showing the girls that you are rich but the simplest alternative is to own an expensive smartphone. Having an expensive latest smartphone can give a false impression about your financial status when the truth is that  it cost you three quarters of your salary to buy it and in the process of doing that, you sacrificed buying certain essentials for your own use. This is what is called "living a lie" and in my opinion it is foolish. 

I remember the time I was at school, there were children who had rich parents and those that came from poor families. Some people did not want the other pupils to know which side of town they came from simply because it was lower class. What happened was they detoured to make it look like they were heading to the most affluent part of town when all they wanted was to make sure everyone has gone their way before they sneaked into the so called lower class area, the ghettos.

Being honest is the best thing to be. Living a lie affects your relationship with other people, and even your everyday life. If you confront people and tell them the truth they might be upset but at least they know, and they can solve these problems, or try to fix them. 

While many people lie because of the situation they are in, a compulsive liar  lies out of habit.  Lying is  his or her normal and reflexive way of responding to questions.  Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything., Telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right.  

Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary.  For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning, they simply lie out of habit. Compulsive liars usually take their habit of lying even in their relationships and marriages and this brings negative results. Usually, compulsive liars do a lot of harm to themselves than to anyone else while sociopaths lie with an intent and have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. A sociopath is often goal-oriented and often charming and charismatic and will use their talented social skills in manipulative and self-centered ways. 

It is not possible to completely avoid being lied to or cheated but there are some ways in which you can tell if someone is lying. Most of the time when someone is lying their physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. A liar will avoid making eye contact with you and his hands may be touching their face, throat or mouth or even scratching the nose or behind their ear.

What about children? Do children lie? Many people believe that a child never lies and in most cases, a child's testimony will incriminate you. The truth is children lie too. Lying adults were once children and they could have started lying when they were kids and grew with the habit. That is why you should never lie to your children because once they know you were lying, they will think lying is a normal thing to do. 

Children have an uncanny ability to see and understand more in life than parents usually realise. With every small lie there can be a very harmful result. Each lie may need additional lies to keep the truth from your child and eventually she will discover the truth and realise that not only was the truth kept from her, but that you are a liar.This may even teach the child that lies are normal and the belief will eventually lead to the belief that bigger lies are also acceptable. Certainly, there are certain times when a child is very young that certain information can be harmful or not suitable and a lie may be the right option. 

When it comes to politicians, many people believe all politicians are liars. This joke is a typical example of how people regard politicians. A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them. The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" To which the man replied, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie." 

An article in The Huffington Post lists down "six reasons why politicians think they can lie (and not get caught)". It writes that many politicians are narcissists, arrogant, self-important and see themselves as special. Politicians know their followers will believe them, even in the face of irrefutable evidence to the contrary. One reason that interested me most is that people don't want to hear the truth. Truth, as the saying goes, hurts and no one wants to hear things that threaten their existence, their beliefs, or that will make them uncomfortable. It is decidedly better for politicians to tell people what makes them feel comfortable. 

It is agreeably correct that people don't want to hear the truth if it makes them uncomfortable or hurts them. If a lie is told enough times, people will assume it is true. The reason why politicians are pathological liars is because we expect a lot from them. They are constantly monitored and everything they say is recorded. Their words and actions are subject to scrutiny by many commentators and observers. With such a large audience, it should be so much harder to tell lies and get away with it. And yet, despite all this scrutiny and the large audience, politicians lie, and they lie persistently. 

The next time you tell a lie, ask yourself,  "Was it worth it?".


Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici, freedigitalphotos.net

WILL GAY RIGHTS IN AFRICA END STIGMATIZATION?

There are men who intrigue me. Those who rush home from work to catch the evening news and those who go straight to a pub to drink three or four beers before they go home. Then there are men who go for circumcision because they believe it is another way to keep their penis clean. And then there are men who have sex with fellow men.

“As Zambians, we declared that we are a Christian nation and there is no way we can allow this un-Zambian culture. I want to urge all Zambians to rise and denounce this vice. Why should someone or institutions want to import this homosexuality and try to influence others to practice it? We can’t allow it, I am calling all citizens to stand firm and reject it.”

The above was spoken by the Zambian Justice Minister Wynter Kabimba about three weeks ago and it was in reaction to the western countries and their promotion of homosexuality in our country, which is both against our cultural values and the Constitution.

“I don’t profess to be an expert – this is a lay person’s opinion – but I don’t think it’s a choice. People are born with a certain makeup. We are all children of God. We don’t make determinations about who we are.” 

This was said by the President of the United States, Barack Obama .

Early last year, United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon visited Zambia. His visit to Zambia wouldn't have been known by many ordinary Zambians if he hadn't mentioned homosexuality or gay rights. In fact, many Zambians thought this was his main purpose for coming to Zambia.

“Now you have embarked on a transformation agenda – a process for a new people-driven Constitution that will be a foundation for Zambia’s progress, a Constitution that will stand the test of time. This offers Zambia an opportunity to lead once more by enshrining the highest standards of human rights and protections for all people – regardless of race, religion, gender, sexual orientation or disability.”

Maybe he did not know what many Zambians views on gay rights are because if he knew, he would not have included the words “sexual orientation” in that speech. This roused a lot of debate and anger among many Zambians.  

Like any other society, there are gay people in Zambia too but they do not come out in the open because they know they will be arrested and prosecuted.  In  Kapiri Mposhi, two men were arrested over the weekend of May 5^th, 2013 after a tip off from “concerned members of the public.” The two have been living together as a couple and they have been charged for having sex against the order of nature contrary to the laws of Zambia.  The two men were arrested again today after they were found in the act and their bail has been revoked. The interesting part is that they were apprehended by relatives who found them in the act. Police have slapped additional counts on the two men.

On a popular local radio programme, “let the people talk”, the Minister of Youth and Sport Chishimba Kambwili also said that the government will help the people of Zambia to fight homosexuality with vigour.

“We don’t want Zambia’s children to be taught any vice. We will not tolerate homosexuality. Those who want to promote homosexuality in Zambia are wasting their time. If anything, we are planning to stiffen laws against homosexuality.”

Without any doubt, these are the views of many Zambians. And the handing over of the two Kapiri Mposhi gay men to the police by relatives just shows that it would be very difficult to allow gay rights in Zambia.

“Britain is now one of the premier aid givers in the world. We want to see countries that receive our aid adhering to proper human rights, and that includes how people treat gay and lesbian people. British aid should have more strings attached, in terms of do you persecute people for their faith or their Christianity, or do you persecute people for their sexuality? We don’t think that’s acceptable.”

The British Prime Minister David Cameron was speaking at the end of a Commonwealth leaders’ summit in Perth, Western Australia when he said this.

If some countries can respect gay rights, how do they fail to recognise the right of sovereign nations to make their own decisions concerning gay rights? The gay community may be huge in other countries and maybe that is why they need to recognise them but in countries like Zambia, gay people are not very common and many Zambians are against gay rights.

It is also unfair why those countries that do not want to recognise gay rights can be held by ransom by denying them aid. To me this looks like a standoff and it remains to be seen what will happen next.

The bible has its own verdict on homosexuality. “‘If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads." (Leviticus 20:13 NIV)

Now, if homosexuality is a right, why does God not recognise it?

The argument that some people put across is that homosexuals do not have a choice because they were born like that. But if God knew that some people are born gay without a choice, why then did he command that they must be killed? It would be unfair to punish someone for something that he or she has no control of. Of course there are people who may not believe in the bible and they have their own opinions.

In Africa, about 38 countries are against gay rights. If these countries decide to grant gays their rights, will that end the stigma which seems to be a natural part of our African society?

Image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net