ARE WE ALL COWARDLY NEIGHBOURS?

Normally, when you hear a person calling out for help, your immediate reaction is to help that person.

Last night around 22:00 hours when I was watching TV, I was distracted by some noise coming from my neighbors house. There was banging on the wall and the clutter of items falling on the floor. I turned down the volume on the TV and heard  a woman crying out for help. I could also hear a man's angry voice. My neighbor was drunk and he was beating his wife again. 

This is not the first time this couple was  fighting. I have heard them fighting on not less than 4 occasions. I listened to the angry outbursts for a few minutes and then turned on the volume on my T.V. set  and continued watching Cheaters.  

I know some of you may have expected me to open the door and go out to stop the fight. No. I can not do that. You ask why? The reason is simple. I simply do not have the guts to go out and intrude in someone's domestic issues and I know I am not the only one. 

I don't know exactly why it is so hard for me to just gather my wits and go out, knock on that door and try out my peace keeping skills. Many of you may have found yourselves in this awkward situation before, with all your senses and muscles ignoring to do the most sensible thing at that particular time, which is to intervene before someone is hurt. 

I have noticed that fights involving the wife and husband usually go unstopped by the neighbors. The only time such fights are stopped is when one of them runs outside the house into the street. That is when a lot of people would come out and stop the fight because they assume the street is a no man's land. 

It is very rare that you will see anyone go to a neighbor's house to stop a domestic dispute going on inside the house. I know it is wrong but it is like none of us have the guts to do that. It is almost like two countries. If there is a civil war in a neighboring country, do not expect it;s neighbors to rush in to stop the killings immediately. 

I once asked a group of friends why it was so hard for many of us to intervene in domestic fights involving our neighbors and I got very diverse answers.  One person gave a very interesting reason. He said the reason why he cannot go at a neighbor's house to stop him from beating his wife was because the man may accuse him of having an affair with his wife.

As we burst out laughing at what we thought was a ridiculous answer, the man told us that he was serious. He even went ahead and gave us an example of a man who went to stop a similar fight and was hacked with a machete in the shoulder by the man's wife who even accused him of trespassing. 

Someone also said some women enjoy being beaten by their husbands. Going in to stop the husband from beating her would be an interruption of an intimate session. He explained that there are some African women who believe that if a man does not beat you or scold you when you make a mistake, then that man does not love you. Although this seems hilarious, I know there are lots of other people who believe that beating your wife is a sign of love. 

At one point it was reported that some men in Kenya were up in arms at the proposed Protection Against Domestic Violence Bill because parts of the bill infringe on Kenyan culture which allows a man to beat his wife. That could be a topic for another day.

My concern right now is why do we fail to intervene in domestic violence involving a husband and wife? With an estimation that of all women killed in 2012, almost half were killed by intimate partners or family members, it is time we seriously thought about correcting this cowardly trend. 

When you see a thief entering a neighbor's house whilst he is away, it is your responsibility to raise an alarm or apprehend him. If you just sit there and listen to the breaking windows and then watch as the thief hauls away some goods, I am sure you will make headlines as the most heartless neighbor. 

However, that is not the case with domestic violence. People do not even bother to go and check on their neighbor in the morning to see if they are still alive. We all know that marriage is a private matter. We are not allowed to know whatever is going on in every marriage because it is a matter between two consenting adults but when it comes to violence, someone must intervene. 

There have been incidents where a neighbor comes to know of a secret affair of the neighbor's wife or husband. In most cases, like with domestic violence, the neighbor will not say anything. He or she will continue as if nothing is wrong. Most of the time even the guilty party is not worried because he knows that you do not have the guts to go and tell his wife that you saw him with another woman. 

After the wife finds out on her own that her husband is cheating, that is when people will start coming out saying "I used to see them too", "I knew he was having an affair long time ago. I was just scared of telling you." 

The truth is while you were holding on to that vital information, your neighbor got infected with a sexually transmitted disease. If you had told her in time, she would have taken some action and put a stop to the affair. Many people have been infected with deadly diseases because we did not intervene in time. 

However, I can not entirely put the blame on people who hold on from snitching on their neighbor's infidelity. Like in the case of the neighbor who is reluctant to stop a domestic fight, even the neighbors who spot his neighbor's spouse having an affair have their own excuses why they stayed quite. 

Most of the time it is either they did not want to be involved in court cases or they simply feared that they do not have enough evidence. There have also been circumstances where a person reports such infidelity to the wife of the neighbor and instead of being appreciated, the wife goes and tells the husband " Our neighbor thinks you are having an affair. Is it true?" 

When the man denies having an affair, the wife will not push him further. She will will turn her wrath on the neighbor and accuse her of being a home wrecker bringing false accusations about her husband. I have see this happen with my own eyes. 

Sometimes one may go with information to give to the neighbor about how they saw her husband kissing someone and how they think the two may be having an affair. As soon as they finish telling her, she curtly says she already knows all the details but does not just want to spend time dealing with a stupid husband.   

Last week on Sunday morning I went to buy a newspaper. As I was going back home, I saw a small crowd and decided to see what was going on. A woman was slapping a man  around and pulling him in all directions. The man was drunk and he had a bottle of Mosi Lager in his hand. He may have been drinking the whole night. As the crowd grew, the man lost his temper and swung the beer bottle at the woman,  missing her head by a whisker. The bottler shattered on the ground. 

When I asked why no one was stopping this fight, one woman replied "She is fighting with the husband."

And so there we stood watching the couple as they beat each other for almost 5 minutes until a brave woman came in and intervened. She pulled the woman to one side and told her that she was far more respectable to be seen fighting with a drank husband in public. The wife complied and left the scene. 

I hope all of us could have enough courage to intervene in domestic issues like the way that brave woman did.

Image courtesy of  imagerymajestic freedigitalphotos.net

HOW NOT TO EMPLOY A NANNY FROM HELL

A young woman is sitting on a couch with a 2 year old toddler trying to feed her some porridge. The baby exhibits difficulty in coping with the rough and speedy rate at which she is being fed. The young woman then starts eating the porridge herself. 

Unable to contain the stuffed porridge down her throat, the baby throws up and this seems to infuriate the young woman who responds by slapping the child, throwing her off the couch onto the floor. The young lady then picks up a rechargeable torch and severely whacks the baby's bottom. She then kicks the baby's head like a football. For a while, the baby lies there unable to move. As if that was not enough, the young lady tramples on her limp body before hoisting her savagely by one hand, taking her into another room. 

This is not a scene from a Hollywood movie but a true life incident which happened in Uganda. Many people who watched this video of this woman beating the 2 year old baby were shocked and angry. When I first saw the video, I thought about how the parents of that little girl must have felt when they saw what the person they were paying to take care of their daughter was treating her.

Anyone can understand why that video went viral and caused a lot of outrage on the social networks all over the world. The video raised a lot of questions on how many children go under such treatment everyday without their parents knowing anything. According to some sources, the when the father saw that video, he pounced on the nanny and beat her up. Despite the nanny going to the police and having the father arrested, the police were forced to release him after viewing the video because not even them could comprehend such inhuman treatment. 

In my opinion, the person in the video does not even look like a nanny at all. I know you can not tell a person's qualifications just by looking at them but to me that woman looks like she is just a maid servant whose main chores are to clean the house and to wash clothes and dishes. Her demeanor also confirms that. Just the way she ate the baby's porridge shows that she a desperate person. 

Whenever I hear the word Nanny, the picture that comes to my mind is that of a middle aged woman wearing a long dress with an apron and a headscarf in some cases.  Of course nannies can be of any age as long as they are mature and capable of doing the job.

Many people who have employed a nanny to look after their child were scared when they saw that horrible treatment of an innocent 2 year old baby. I would not be surprised if many went home and started looking for signs of abuse on their children. Others may even have thought of investing in CCTV cameras. 

Nannies are some of the most lovable  people in the world and many of them are helping a lot of families to cope with the pressure of work and looking after their children. Many couples have entrusted nannies to care of their kids for more hours than they can spend with the kids themselves. A lot of kids around the world have grown up with nannies with some of them note even knowing that the person they spend a lot of time with was not a relative but an employee.

One thing that I have noticed with Zambian families is that they do not take proper caution when employing nannies. Most of the times people go for cheap labour or they would like to employ someone who is very desperate for a job because by doing so they think that they will pay that person less money. But what they do not realise is that cheap is expensive in some ways. When you hire cheap labour you must also expect cheap results. 

When hiring someone whom you want to be taking care of your little ones, you must make sure you employ the best person possible. This person must be qualified and have some experience in child care. Do not just take in anyone that comes knocking at your door looking for a job. If possible ask for references or do a background check of the person you are employing. It would even be prudent to meet that person's kids if she has any so that you can have an idea how she treats her own children.

Secondly, when you employ a nanny, do not overload her with unnecessary chores. Remember that one reason why you can not cope with taking care of your child is because you have another job yourself. Similarly, a nanny's job is primarily to take care of the child or children and not to plant flowers, water the garden and  even do your shopping. Child minding in itself is a tough job and this is one reason why you will find some families employ a house servant, a garden boy and a nanny. You cannot lump all these three jobs on one person because doing so may just overburden her and cause her not to perform accordingly. 

Another thing that you must not neglect is to pay your nanny the right salary and on time. Do not let your nanny work on slave wages because she will not put in as much as she is getting out. A disgruntled worker does not perform at 100% capacity and most of the time that worker may be frustrated or stressed. She may even take out her frustrations by abusing your child. In the Uganda video, the woman started slapping the child after she had vomited.  To me that was like punishing the child for giving her more work to clean up. 

Having respect for your nanny is also cardinal. If you yell at her most of the time, she will definitely not like your child at all. She will yell at her and even do worse things like what was in that video. Every employee can make a mistake but you are not suppose to yell at them or treat them like they are lesser beings. 

Most importantly, treat your nanny like she was a  member of the family. I have seen kids who have become so attached to their nanny that even when the nanny wants to leave they will start crying. If your children do this, then you have no doubt employed a perfect nanny. This person will always look after your kids and protect them at any time. I know some adults who still have not forgotten their nannies despite many years having past. The names of the nanny pops up in every childhood story they tell. This also shows that they were taken care by one of the best nannies in the world. 

Image by africa, freedigitalphotos.net

THE NEIGHBORHOOD DRUNKARDS

Some of my childhood memories from growing up in one of the townships on the Copperbelt Province are about how differently people behave when they are drank. I am sure most of the people who grew up in a township in the 80s and 90s will relate to some of the characters in this article. 

Almost every community had what I will call a "neighborhood drunkard". These persons were known for their bizarre or unique behavior when they were drank.  In most cases they were a friend's dad. In my street, we had almost all the types of neighborhood drunkards that you could think of.

The first character and probably the most common was nicknamed "Umu Wailer" (The Wailer) and was probably named after Bob Marley's singing group because he would sing in a very loud voice every time he was coming home from a drinking spree and he did not care what time it was. It could be at mid day, in the afternoon, evening or even after midnight. The only thing that was known to silence this character was the rain. Another amazing thing about him was that even the dogs stopped barking when he was approaching the hood. His choice of music was usually one of the latest hits on the market sang in his own version.  

Then there was this other character who would always get lost after drinking some beer. This was the mysterious one because he would come all the way from the bar or tavern on his own without asking for directions but as soon as he reached the street in which his house was situated, his mind just shut off.  He would bypass his house several times without identifying it. It was only after several minutes of searching for his house in vain that he would finally gather some courage and ask one of the kids playing in the streets "Pa Ng'anda pali ba Chisulo nipesa?' (Where is Mr. Chisulo's house?) as if no one knew that he was the Mr. Chisulo himself. 

The other neighborhood drunkard was called "Kadansa"or "The Dancer". This was every kids favorite neighborhood drunkard. He was a true entertainer. He rarely came home late. He timed his arrival just when all the kids had already eaten their supper and had gathered under the street lights to sing and dance. "The Dancer" always thought none of the kids could dance better than him. He would pick on one kid and scold him or her for being a bad dancer and then challenge them to a dance. The neighborhood drunkard always thought he had won the challenge because he always got the loudest cheering. That is what kept him coming back for more challenges every evening.

The fourth neighborhood drunkard was nicknamed"Ba Passenger" (The Passenger). This one was a little bit boring because he usually came home from a drinking spree in a wheelbarrow being pushed by some good Samaritans and was most  of the time fast asleep. The only entertainment we got from this character was when the wife gave him a slap in the face to awaken him from his slumber. Sometimes I thought he just pretended to be asleep and unable to walk on his own so that he could have a relaxed ride home. However, the wheelbarrow pusher always demanded to be paid for his kindness and it was the wife who paid the fee. 

Then there was "The Sprinkler". He was called "The Sprinkler" because he always came home with the front of his trousers wet or with the zipper wide open. The stories that went around were that each time the sprinkler went into the toilet to pee, he unzipped his pants and held the necktie in his fist, directed it in the urinal and started peeing. The Sprinkler had a very bad sense of feeling and was slow in reacting. By the time he realized that he was holding his tie instead of the you know what, his pants were already soaked. What amazed me most was why he did could not wait until it was dark before coming home to avoid embarrassment.

The last and most hated neighborhood drunkard was "The Broadcaster". The Broadcaster always had a bone to chew with one of the neighbors. This character lived alone, with no wife and no kids. He would wait for everyone to fall asleep and then he would crawl outside the house and start hurling insults to the witches who were disturbing his sleep at night. On some days he would hurl insults to the person who was stealing vegetables from his garden (even though he did not have a garden). The Broadcaster would even pick on insulting people who were "jealousy" because he ate chicken and meat almost everyday.

One day on Christmas Eve we decided we had enough of the Broadcaster and that it was time to teach him a lesson he shall never forget. As expected, he came out of the house around 21:00 hrs and started boasting about how his Christmas was going to be the best in the hood because he had just been given a hefty bonus at work. We had prepared for this moment earlier in the day by buying a lot of fireworks. We selected the biggest ones, the ones that go up in the sky when you light them. But instead of aiming them upward in the sky, we aimed them directly at the Broadcaster and lit them.

WHIIZZZZ! KABLOOM! KABLOOM! KABLOOM! The fireworks exploded right where he was. He fell down to the ground, tried to get up but slipped and fell down again. Then he quickly crawled to the door and entered the house. We thought we had finally taught the "Broadcaster" a lesson. We slapped each other on the back and went to sleep.

An hour later, I heard someone shouting at a very high voice. It was the Broadcaster. He had come out of the house and was broadcasting his insults again. This time his insults were directed at the gunmen who nearly assassinated him a while ago by firing their guns at him because they were jealousy of his good lifestyle. He also bragged about how the neighbors did not know that he was a former soldier trained to survive under gunfire. 

I just rolled over and went to sleep. 


Image by Naypong, freedigitalphotos.net 

TO SMOKE OR NOT TO SMOKE?

In Zambia we never run out of topics to discuss. At the moment there is a fresh debate (or not so fresh) which is going on. This debate is all about a plant which allegedly has more than 100 names worldwide.

Some of the listed names for this plant are so strange. Wacky Tabacky, Hooch, Peyote, Green Monster, Indian Boy, Art Supplies, Panama Red, Oscar the Grouch and even Green Pants.

In Zambia this plant is commonly called "Icamba". You may know it as Hemp, Cannabis, Marijuana or simply Weed. 

A political party named Green Party has insisted that it will legalise the cultivation of marijuana if they are elected to run this country. The President of the Party Mr Peter Sinkamba said if Marijuana was allowed to flourish it would bring $15 billion to the country's treasury.

"It will not only bring in money but we are going to employ about 300,00 youths which will benefit the country." 

On top of that, The Green Party has promised that it will abolish the Drug Enforcement Commission. I am not here to talk politics but I have noticed how this has excited certain quarters of our society.

The possession of Marijuana is prohibited in many countries with jail terms ranging from light sentence to severe. Countries like China, Indonesia, Japan, Sweden, Turkey, France, Singapore, Malaysia, South Korea, Philippines and the United Arab Emirates have the strictest cannabis laws.

It is said that the oldest known record of cannabis use came from the Chinese in 2727 B.C. The Greeks and Romans  were also familiar with cannabis. In 1545 it spread to the western hemisphere where Spaniards imported it to Chile where it was used as fibre. 

Marijuana was criminalised in many countries in the early 20th century. In the United States the first restrictions for sale of marijuana came in 1906. It was also outlawed in South Africa in 1911, in Jamaica in 1913 and in the United Kingdom in the 1920s. 

Marijuana has considerable medical benefits ranging from glaucoma to cancer. Despite this, possession of marijuana is prohibited in many countries because it is classified as a Schedule I drug on the basis that it has a high potential for abuse.

Advocates for the legalisation of marijuana say apart from its curing properties, it also promotes creativity, open-mindedness, moral progression and so on. 

One person even said that Marijuana triples your potential. If you are a song writer, you will be come more creative in song writing. If you are an author, your writing will be more creative. The later seemed like a joke because if that was the case, one would assume that if you are dumb, then you will become dumber.

Many people do not use marijuana as a medicine but they consume it for its psychoactive and physiological effects which includes heightened mood or euphoria, relaxation and even for an increase in appetite.  

On the other hand, despite its medicinal use, marijuana is also associated with impairment of cognitive function when it is used frequently. A cognitive function test indicated that chronic marijuana smokers did worse  than non-smokers. Those who started smoking marijuana before the age of 16 did worse than those whom started smoking it later in life. 

Chronic smokers repeated errors more often even after they were corrected. They also had more trouble maintaining a set of rules. It is also said that Marijuana use impairs short term memory, alters judgment and decision making. It affects mood, producing severe anxiety, paranoia and psychosis in extreme cases. 

For those who smoke it, marijuana smoke is an irritant to the lungs, similar to tobacco smoke. Marijuana smokers have the same respiratory problems as tobacco smokers although no increased risk of lung cancer has been described to date in medical research. 

That said, possession of cannabis is illegal in most countries as a result of the agreement about Indian Hemp, in the international Opium convention of 1925. That in itself makes it a challenge for the Green Party to export marijuana outside the country because their are currently about five countries where the possession of marijuana is legal or almost legal. 

SEX CAN MAKE YOU LOOSE YOUR GENITALIA

I am not a TV News addict but on this particular day, my attention was caught by one of the items on the headlines. 

“A lusty woman of Chongwe district who desires more substantial sex with her husband is allegedly on the run after partially cutting her husband’s penis with a knife for refusing sex with her.”

After watching the clip of the injured man, I started asking myself questions why anyone in their right frame of mind would go to such an extent for the love of sex. Usually, women who react angrily by attacking the penis do so when the husband has been sleeping around with other women. 

On 2 may 2014, a Malawian woman cut off her husband's private parts in similar circumstances. The husband is a fisherman and he had gone on a job errand on Lake Chirwa for some days, leaving her pregnant wife behind.

When the man came back, the wife welcomed him as usual. During bed time, the wife asked for sex, but the husband refused saying he was too tired to perform. The woman amputated her husband's sex organs while he was fast asleep.

If the two women above really did what they did because of not having sex from their husbands, then one would assume that they suspected that their husbands were having sex with other women and the last resort was to harvest the guilty tool by cutting it off.

In nearby Zimbabwe, a man's private parts were doused with petrol and burnt by the wife along with her sister. The man was on separation with his wife but on this unfortunate night, he went to her house and demanded for sex.

When the wife refused, he threatened to kill her. The wife's sister took a 5 litre container of petrol and doused the man before his wife set him on fire saying she wanted to burn the private parts causing them unrest.

A lot of married people have been injured or even killed because of sex. One would think that people who are married have a fantastic sex life and they can have it any time they want. But the above examples reveal that sex can cause a lot of harm even in marriages. 

One young lady was complaining. "My boyfriend has a problem. He gets extremely angry when I don't give him sex when he wants it. It is very rare that he pursues sex and I deny him so I don't understand what his problem is. Maybe once in every two or three months he will get denied." 

"Yesterday we had a huge fight about this. I was home from work and was working in the house all day. He came home and wanted it. I did not because I was so filthy. It escalated to him punching our closet door and putting a hole in it. Is this normal guy behaviour or am I living with a psycho?"

A lot of men and women get so angry when the partner denies them sex. The truth is everyone has days when they are just not into it and no matter how the partner tries to get them in the mood, nothing will change that. 

However, the way one refuses sex can also have a bearing on how the other person will react. Do not make it look like you do not like the person. What bothers most people is not actually being refused sex itself but the feeling of being rejected. 

This is the time when someone now starts asking questions as to why they are being rejected. For most people, the conclusion could be that their partner is having sex with someone else. This could even be the major reason why people who become violent after being refused sex would attack the sex organs.

There are so many wild stories all over the world of people doing all sorts of things to partners all for the sake of sex. Last week, a 27 years old woman of Chipata's Mkanda area told the Chipata Magistrates Court how her husband cut off part of her genitalia with a razor blade to make her unattractive to other men.

How were other men going to see her genitalia as if she always walked around without wearing any panties? That is the most cruel thing to do. It is natural for a person to be jealousy and and angry when a partner is involved in an extra marital affair but there must be a limit to how that punishment is meted out. 

I remember when I was young my mother would tell us of how people who stole things had their hands amputated. This practice is still done in some countries where they practice Sharia law. 

According to INSA news service, Iran has unveiled a finger amputating machine. A man who was convicted of theft and adultery by a court was used as a demonstration. 

I am sure we have not seen or heard the last about sexual organs being attacked by aggrieved partners. 

Image courtesy of Dundee Photographics freedigitalphotos.net