THE TEN YEARS DILEMMA

I was walking down the street this morning when I saw two women coming towards me. As they passed me I couldn't help but listen to their conversation.

"She was very lucky" one of them said. "Soon after she got divorced she met another man and got married. I don't know if it is the devil or bad luck because he too wants a divorce."

"Why? What is the problem?" the other woman asked.

"The man wants a child and she can't give him one. She made a mistake by choosing that ten years contraceptive."

This was the second time in a week that I was hearing of a woman finding herself in deep trouble caused by this method of contraceptive.

Just a couple of days ago I read a story online about a woman who was sentenced to two years in prison for stealing a baby right here in Zambia.

According to her, she stole the baby because her husband wanted a child but she could not have one because she too was on a ten years contraceptive plan. Amazingly this couple already have three children but the husband wanted a fourth child.

Left with no other option, this woman decided to steal a child and pretend that it was her own.

What these two women used were contraceptive coils (copper-based intrauterine devices and hormonal intrauterine devices) which are both essentially made of plastic then either coated with copper or hormones.

When inserted into the uterus they provide long-term and highly effective protection against pregnancy. The intra-uterine device releases copper ions which kill sperm.

What these two stories tell me is that many couples lack communication in their relationships. These unfortunate women should have simply told their husbands that they were going for a ten year contraceptive.

A couple of weeks ago I walked into a bar and in the midst of a heated debate. This man and his friend were saying a couple should have more than 10 children.

One man who was seemingly younger than the two was arguing that in this day and age, children must be planned for because it was expensive to raise even 3 children.

"Children are like wealth. If your father had 2 houses you must build 3 houses. It is the same with children. If your father had 8 children you must surpass that and have 10 children."

With the load shedding currently being experienced in this country, the electricity had gone and there was no music or television playing in the bar and that meant every patron in the bar was ' tuned in' to this discussion.

Almost all of us contributed to the debate and most of us were against the idea of having ten children save for one older man who said he kept six orphans in addition to five of his own children.

It was my turn to ask "Mr. Ten kids" a question.

"Do you think any woman would accepted having all those children?"

"Why wouldn't she? I married her and if she doesn't want to have those children she has to go back to her parents."

"What if she decides to take up preventive measures without your knowledge?"

He briefly kept quiet before saying "She better pray I don't find out cos if I did that would be her end."

I know you probably think this dude was drank because he was in a bar. No you are wrong. I know a drank man and this guy knew exactly what he was saying.

I felt pity for his wife because it is men like him that are causing women to find themselves in twisted  situations like the two stories above.

Women should be bold enough and discuss family planning issues without feeling intimidated at all.

By the time the woman who stole the baby comes out of prison she will probably still have some years to wait before the IUD expires. Her husband may also still be looking for that fourth child.

Photo by Areeya freedigitalphotos.net

THE KING SAYS YOU FOREIGNERS MUST GO

Three weeks ago, the South African Zulu King, Goodwill Zwelithini was reported to have said, “We are requesting those who come from outside to please go back to their countries.”

These remarks are believed to have sparked off the current spate of xenophobic attacks on foreignness in South Africa.  Many foreign owned shops have been burnt after everything of value was stolen.

One of the  people who were attacked said, “People were telling us: “We will hit you on Monday. The king says you kwerekwere (foreigners) must go.”

Two Ethiopian brothers were critically injured when their shop, in a shipping container, was allegedly set on fire while they were trapped inside. One of the men died while in hospital. The other is fighting for his life.

As the attacks continued, King Goodwill Zwelithini castigated the media for “distorting” his comments that foreigners should leave the country. He accused journalists of fanning the flames by writing about Xenophobia in the same way they had written about the so called black-on-black violence in the 1990s.

The Royal Household Trust also said the King has no issue with foreign nationals and his meaning was lost in translation. 

The main concern is not about what the King said or did not say but the South Africans who are killing their fellow Africans simply because they come from another country. 

Many will recall that his is not the first time that Xenophobia has occurred in South Africa.  Between 2000 and March 2008 at least 67 people died in what were identified as xenophobic attacks. In May 2008 a series of riots left 62 people dead, although 21 of those killed were South African citizens. The attacks were apparently motivated by xenophobia.

Apartheid and Xenophobia seem to be so tied to South Africa. You can not mention any of these names without thinking about South Africa. 

Apartheid is an Afrikaans word meaning “the state of being apart”, literally “apart-hood”. Apartheid was a system of racial segregation in South Africa enforced through legislation by the National Party government, the ruling party from 1948 to 1994.

When Apartheid was dismantled, many Africans were happy because it signified a new dawn for the black people of South Africa. What seemed like the last of the great evils on the African soil was defeated.

But that seems not be the case. Just when Africa was forgetting about the harsh memories of Apartheid, another evil in the name of Xenophobia sprung out.




The word Xenophobia comes from the Greek words xenos meaning “strange”, and phobos meaning “fear”. Xenophobia is the unreasoned fear of that which is perceived to be foreign or strange. 

But what is it that the South Africans fear from other Africans who visit their country? All foreigners know that not every person that they meet in the countries they visit will embrace them in a brotherly manner. Foreigners visiting other countries are easy targets to crooks and criminals because of their vulnerability.

What is happening in South Africa is a big shame and something that must be condemned by everyone. This is not different from the rest of the senseless terrors that have engulfed the continent. 

This should also serve as a fine example to all the leaders that they should choose what words to say to their followers or citizens. the King might have been misunderstood or not but the finger is pointing at him. It is like the classic saying “if there is no fire, where is the smoke coming from?”.

On the other hand, even if the King said those words, would that be reason enough for anyone to start killing people and stealing their property? If South Africans do not want foreigners in their country and they want them to go back to their countries, they should give them time to leave. 

Many of these foreigners have jobs, business, families and property. They can not just wake up and leave. They must be given time to close their business, pay off their workers’ dues, hand over resignation letters and be paid their money, and sell their property before leaving South Africa. 

What is even more appalling is that this Xenophobia is only targeted at citizens from selected African countries. I have never read of any Italians, Portuguese, Americans, French or anyone from other "rich" countries being attacked in a similar way. 

What a shame. 

As the saying goes, everyone is a foreigner somewhere.

Image courtesy of winnond/fredigitalphotos.net

STOP FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION

Although sometimes it seems weird, I have no problem with people who choose to do body piercing or have tattoos cut on their skin as long as it is not totally harmful. A lot of people choose to have all types of things done to their bodies for reasons best known to themselves. 

Some of these body modifications are very painful but people still do them over and over. They choose to put sticks, bones and metals in their earlobes and even in their nostrils. In fact, people have been doing weird and painful things to their bodies for more than 5,000 years.

There are many different reasons why people choose to do all these painful things to themselves. Some people do it for religious or spiritual reasons, while others simply do it for self-expression. Interestingly, some do it for sexual pleasure.

Some women opt to have a clitoral hood piercing to stimulate the clitoris during sex. Piercings that penetrate the clitoris are said to be much more risky. Anyone that wants to have this must be examined by a professional piercer to see if she is suited for a clitoral piercing.

The procedure itself is very painful because it goes through the nerves, the same nerves responsible for sexual response. Sometimes a woman may even loose her ability to achieve orgasm. Despite these odds, many women still go for it.

The most common part that is pierced for sexual pleasure is the tongue. The small metal or ring that is on the tip of the tongue will add pleasure during oral sex. People who have their nipples pierced find it highly arousing to have their nipples toyed with during sex.

Men also have a penis piercing. A ring or a curved barbell enters the penis near the ridge on the underside of the penis that connects the shaft to the head and exits through the urethra at the tip of the penis. This is basically a piece of metal running through the underside of the head of the penis. (See photos here).

Having this kind of piercing increases a risk of infection and a risk for sexually transmitted diseases, especially during the healing process. One has to wait for four months without sexual contact. Another disadvantage for this type of penis piercing is that there is little room for the ring when a man is using a condom. 

People who do all the above do this out of their own conviction and free will. No one coerces them into doing it. They are all adults and are fully aware of the consequences and other disadvantages they may face in society. For example, if one has 24 metals rings pierced on his or her face, that person can not easily get a job. He has disadvantaged himself or herself from being formally employed. 

However, there is one evil thing that is being forced on some girls, especially in Africa. Many girls are being forced to undergo Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) which is sometimes called Female Circumcision. 

According to the World Health Organisation, Female genital mutilation includes procedures that intentionally alter or cause injury to the female genital organs for non-medical reasons. The procedure has no health benefits for girls or women. It can cause severe bleeding and problems urinating, and later cysts, infections, infertility as well as complications in childbirth. 

More than 125 million girls and women alive today have been cut in the 29 countries in Africa and Middle East where this practice is concentrated. FGM is mostly carried out on young girls sometimes between infancy and age 15. 

There are four types of female genital mutilation.

Clitoridectomy: This is a partial or total removal of the clitoris and in some cases only the prepuce (the fold of skin surrounding the clitoris).

Excision: This a partial or total removal of the clitoris and the labia minora, with or without excision of the labia majora (the labia are "the lips" that surround the vagina.

Infibulation: Narrowing of the vaginal opening through the creation of a covering seal. The seal is formed by cutting and repositioning the inner, or outer, labia, with or without removal of the clitoris. 

Other: All other harmful procedures to the female genitalia for non-medical purposes, e.g. pricking, piercing, incising, scrapping and cauterizing the genital area. [see photos here].

Just reading the above makes me cringe with fear and I can only imagine what goes on in the minds of the girls waiting to undergo this procedure. Unlike people who choose to go for body piercing on their own, these young girls seem to have no choice. They are forced to undergo the painful and somewhat humiliating procedure in the name of culture, religion and social factors within families and communities. 

Some societies believe FGM is a necessary part of raising a girl properly and a way to prepare her for adulthood and marriage. It is said that FGM reduces a woman's libido and therefore it helps her resist illicit sexual acts. Girls fear to have sex when the vaginal opening is covered or narrowed because of the pain of opening it. They also fear that they will be found out when elders check them. 

These girls are also told that girls are "clean" and "beautiful" after removal of body parts that are considered "male" or "unclean". This is also often used by promoters of Male Circumcision who believe that a circumcised man is "cleaner" than a man who is not circumcised.  

There have been many reports of girls running away from being mutilated with the recent one being the 643 girls who escaped and gathered at one rescue centre in Tanzania.

These girls managed to escape the harmful culture and sought shelter at the Termination of Female Genital Mutilation Centre. This Centre has since 2008 been providing alternative womanhood-education, thus saving many girls from being mutilated each year.

In 2008, at least 300 girls in south western Kenya fled from home and sought refuge in churches in a bid to escape forced female genital mutilation. This simply shows that many of the girls, if not all, who undergo FGM do not want to be subjected to this practice. They need someone bold enough to stand up and help stop FGM. 

Female genital mutilation is not very common in Zambia. Zambia recorded 0.9% cases in a survey conducted in 2005. The most common abuse that young girls endure in Zambia is when they are taught that "dry sex is the best sex. Girls and women attempt to dry out their vagina in an effort to provide more pleasurable sex to men. This is achieved by using certain herbs and ingredients that reportedly reduce vaginal fluids and increase friction during intercourse. 

About two-thirds of Zambian women have used "dry sex" traditional medicines. Although there is no mutilation involved here, I still think this is the type of thinking that gives birth to ideas like female genital mutilation. 


 Image courtesy of gameanna freedigitalphotos.net

CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS THE ZAMBIAN WAY

A few years ago on Christmas eve, I was in Ndola town doing some last minute shopping when I saw something that made me go deep in thoughts.

The town was crowded with excited shoppers moving around with huge parcels clutched in their arms. Christmas carols were played and bright lights blinking invitingly in every shop . It seemed like everyone had a lot of money to spend until I saw this woman on the street.

The woman was simply dressed in a cheap chitenge wrap-around and headgear. On her feet she wore a pair of worn out slippers and she was holding a black plastic bag in her hands, with words “Have a Nice Day” printed in grey or silver. I could tell right away that she was a poor person.

As I watched her, she  walked up to a street vendor who was selling balloons and fireworks and asked how much the balloons cost. She bought two balloons and wrapped them carefully in the corner of her chitenge and briskly walked away.

I knew those balloons were for her children or child. I had no doubt in my mind that the balloons were probably the only things she could afford to buy for her children. She wanted to make her kids have a piece of the Christmas feeling despite not having a lot of money to buy expensive things for the family.

In Zambia, Christmas time is a period when you should not be broke. During this time everyone wants to do something special for the family or for themselves. People spend excessively with others even landing themselves in heavy debts afterwards. It is like every household wants to outdo the other.

Many Zambians do not buy Christmas presents for each other and very few even send Christmas cards. When I was a small boy, Christmas was a time that every child looked forward to because it meant new toys and new clothes. There was a popular song that used to play on radio with the lyrics “Tell your mother, Happy Christmas, Tell your mother Happy New Year”. This was a morale boosting song which every child liked.

Families bought crates of soft drinks, chicken and rice. Chicken and rice is like the traditional Christmas meal for many Zambians just like Turkey is for the British. Christmas period is a time that a lot of chicken are slaughtered or bought. A lot of beer is bought including a lot of soft drinks like Coca Cola, Fanta and Sprite for the kids and those who do not drink beer.

With the current low rate of employment, a few things have changed. Many people do not get so excited about Christmas. Many households do not have a budget for partying on Christmas day. Others would rather reserve the little money that they have for the school fees and uniforms. Many people worry about January they have even nicknamed it  “Jan-worry”.

In December many workers get paid earlier than the other months. People who are normally paid at the end of the month are paid as early as 15th or 20th December. This results in having a huge gap before the next month end of January. This is slightly cushioned by the bonus that they may get but not every one gets a good bonus.

Although many people would like not to spend a lot during the festive period because of the challenges of January, they are forced to do so because it seems like everyone is doing it. On top of that the atmosphere everywhere you go, in the shops, at the market and the bar, is full of celebration. 

Even if you try to avoid these places and decide to just stay at home, chances are that one or two of your neighbours will be throwing a party and playing loud music. Your kids will start wondering why everyone is having a good time and not them. This will definitely make every parent sad. This could be the same reason why the woman at the beginning of this article bought those two balloons for her kids.

There are two ways in which Christmas is celebrated in Zambia. Many Christians believe it is a day when Jesus Christ was born and they spend most of their time at Church. Then there is also those who believe that Christmas day is a day when people must party.

The second lot may start drinking beer on Christmas eve as early as 14:00 hours and go on throughout the night. It is very common to see very drunk people on Christmas day as early as 06:00 hours. Many people do not go home. They continue drinking until late afternoon on Christmas day or when they run out of money.

Thieves enjoy this festive period. Many people lose their items like phones, car stereos, wallets and even house property through theft. A lot of road traffic accidents happen in the night due to driving under the influence of alcohol. People are mugged while other end up in fights.

There were incidents when bandits stormed churches at night and robbed members of the congregation of their valuables. This has resulted in many churches who prayed throughout the night to stop the trend. Many churches now pray up to midnight or 23:00 hours. Christmas eve is a time when the wise just stay home and wait for the following day if they have to party.

Most of time when the New Year comes, many people are broke. Only a few celebrate New Year with zeal. New Year’s eve is my favourite time.  I enjoy the count down, the fireworks and  sprinkling people with my beer. I celebrate more on New Year’s eve because it gives me a reason to celebrate.  I know I have reached another brand new year.

After the festive season now comes “Jan-worry”. The month that everyone dreaded. School results are out and those who have qualified to another school need new uniforms, books and school fees must be paid before they are accepted. Many ordinary Zambians do not have fat bank accounts because the low salaries. Regrets for spending money recklessly last December start pouring in.

After the shop owners and bar owners have had their share of the loot during the festive season, it is now the turn of money lenders, locally known as “Shylocks”, to have their share too. People have no option but to start borrowing money to solve their financial problems caused by overzealous spending. These “Shylocks” demand 50% interest on the money they lend out and it may take up to March for people to fully recover from this financial malaise. This is repeated every year.

Image By Naito8 freedigitalphotos.net

MATERIAL GIRLS

On November 30, 1984, the American singer Madonna released the song  “Material Girl’ from her second album “Like a Virgin”. The lyrics of the song identifies with materialism associated with women. Even the video of the song was a mimicry of Marilyn Monroe’s performance of the song “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend”.

Madonna is reported to have remarked that she regrets recording the song “Material Girl” because the name became a pseudonym for her in the main stream media. The song has been labeled an empowering influence for women and it became a subject of debate. 

After listening to the lyrics of this song, it becomes clear why the song could have raised some debates. 

“...if they don’t give me proper credit, I just walk away.
They can beg and they can plead
but they can’t see the light, that’s right
‘cause the boy with the cold hard cash
is always Mister Right, cause we are 
living in a material word
And I am a material girl...”

There is a whole lot of truth in the song. Everyday we all strive to do some work to help us get some food, clothes or anything that we may need to use in our daily lives. We are truly living in a material world and we need material things to survive or entertain ourselves. 

A number of female musicians have sung songs similar to Madonna's song. The American soul diva Gwen Guthrie’s “Ain’t Nothing Going On But The Rent” was released in 1986  and it became her biggest hit. The line “No romance without finance. You gotta have a J.O.B if you wanna be with me” became a very famous catchphrase among many women in the late 1980s and early 1990s. The reason was simple. The song said exactly what every woman was thinking but did not have the courage to say it. 

In 1999, the group Destiny’s Child, comprising Beyonce Knowles, LeToya Luckett, LaTavia Roberson and Kelly Rowland, released a song “Bills, Bills, Bills”. The song was a success and it provided the group their first chart topper. 

“At first we started out real cool
Taking me places I ain’t never been
But now, you’re getting comfortable
Ain’t doing those things you did no more
You’re slowly making me pay for things
Your money should be handling ...

Can you pay my bills?
Can you pay my telephone bills?
Do you pay my automo’ bills?
If you did maybe we could chill
I don’t think you do
So, you and me are through”

Like the other two songs, "Bills, Bills, Bills" also talked about not going into a relationship where the man can not afford to pay or buy anything on behalf of the woman. 

Although the lyrics from these famous songs could have provided women with catchphrases, I am sure the same lyrics could have been intimidating to a lot of  men. When these songs came out, I was young and they never really got to me. I was not in a relationship and I was not even planning to have one. All I did was listen and sing  along. But now, like any other mature male, I can relate to them.

It is only now that I have come to realise how accurate those lyrics were. Women have always looked for a men who can provide them with some kind of security. This has been the norm for ages and ages and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that because men also enjoy spoiling women by giving them gifts and taking them to place they have not been before. The only problem we have now is that some women have taken this gone out of hand. 

These women go into relationships purely to gain wealth.  It would be great to be in a relationship where you have every material thing that you wanted and on top of that you also have lots of love. But this new breed of women are excessively concerned with physical comforts or the acquisition of wealth and material possessions, rather than with spiritual, intellectual or cultural values. 

Some women may be even be employed and they get a salary of their own at the end of the month but they do not even bother to share the house-keeping expenses with the husband because they believe that it is purely a man’s responsibility to take care of such things. When such a woman gets paid, she spends her money on shoes, cosmetics and her own clothes only. 

Others have made a vow that they will only date someone that has a great job and drives an expensive car. These women’s top priority is money. Relationship is second. This is the type of woman who will even date married men as long as he can give her a lot of money. 

In our modern world, there is a lot of pressure on women, especially those who do not have a steady source of income. A woman must look great. Her hair must be well done and her clothes must be clean and fashionable. Therefore it is understandable that if a woman can not afford to make herself look presentable, it would be right to find a man who can assist her. It makes perfect sense that such a woman must look for a man who is bale to provide her with all the necessities that she requires.

Materialism is a huge part of our modern living. Everyone is materialistic to a certain extent but why does most of society think there are more women who are materialistic than men? The answer is simply because  there are a lot of women who go overboard. Another reason is that more women put material things first before love. 

The most common name used for such women in Zambia is 'Gold Digger'. Many women hate this name because it puts them on the spot. A gold digger is a woman whose prime interest in a relationship is material benefits. A woman who cares more about a man's bank account than she does about the man.

Gold diggers do not stay in a marriage when a man becomes broke. He may have been doing everything for her but the moment the money finishes due to some unforeseen circumstances, she will run away just like the line from the song "Bills, Bills, Bill" which says "So, you and me are through”.

Gold diggers do not even like a man who buys them cheap presents or men who bring flowers on special occasions instead of an expensive neck chain. Some women will be elated when you write them a sweet poem but a gold digger will hate you for that. Poems and cards mean nothing to her. 

One thing worth remembering is that men are naturally providers. A man will give a woman what he thinks she is worth. 


Image courtesy of stockimages, freedigitalphotos.net